Please stop the Social Media Confrontations....Please

Anyone who is a leader will at one time or another have to deal with conflict. As pastors, I think we deal with it probably more than others. We are leading hundreds of different people with different personalities, and different views, and now because of the Social media, i.e. FaceBook, Twitter and Blogs, it is becoming a huge problem where leaders are using it as a tool to vent about others. It is a huge shame to say the least. Like it or not, there will be conflict, but it still needs to be dealt with appropriately.

You can’t avoid conflict, but conflict can define your time as a leader. At Journey, and at the last church I pastored, I have dealt with conflict numerous times and I live by some principles that I have discovered that have helped me deal with these issues, so I thought I would pass them on there since this is one of the questions I get a lot from other pastors.

• Realize Conflict Isn’t A Bad Thing – When we hear the word conflict, we automatically think negative. Conflict can be a good thing. It resolves issues and gets issues taken care of.
• Run to confrontation – We RUN to conflict. Guys are so afraid to confront people that they will let problem people hang around causing trouble for too long.  When we hear of an issue we waste no time confronting and dealing with the situation. By confronting quickly you get the issue taken care of and you are able to move on in whatever way you decide. When you confront slowly, you spend more time stressing over the issue and allow more time for that person to bring others into the issue.
• Deal with conflict face to face – 90% of people with a problem will never tell you about the problem.  No one goes to Mark about our music, no one comes to me about the teaching, etc.  When they do confront the person they are upset about, 99% of the time they do it through e-mail, Blogs and tweets. This is a huge problem among pastors. I think this is the most spineless thing in the world, unless it is a private follow-up to a meeting that has already taken place. I refuse to get into email or twitter exchanges with people.  I set up meetings and handle the situation.
• Don’t take it personal – This one is HARD.  I have learned to learn when confronting people about their problems with me that their problem is normally something different and instead of dealing with that issue that truly is bugging them. People don’t know how to discuss so they attack.  I try my best before going into the discussion to not take it personally.
• Don’t confront while still angry – I normally try to give 24 hours to allow myself to calm down.  I am very passionate and as many leaders do have a strong choleric personality. So I do my best to go into meetings while not being angry. I try to extend grace and put myself in their shoes.
• Have another person in the room – I do NOT deal with conflict without either Mark or Debbie in the room with me.  Too many people will take what you say and twist it and then it is my word against theirs.  I always have others in the room to see how things unfold.
• Say what you have to say – I do NOT hold back my thoughts. I say what needs to be said and I am very clear on how we are going to proceed.  Too many guys don’t say what truly needs to be said and that is why they are in conflict with that person again in the future.
• When it is over, it is over – When I leave a meeting with someone, I am done. I don’t stay angry, I don’t hold grudges, and I don’t keep dealing with the situation.  When we are done with a meeting, I make sure everything has been laid on the table and held nothing back.
• Take the high road – After meetings where I have had to confront someone, I have learned that a lot of the time they will start to bad mouth me. I refuse to get into a he said/she said with someone.  I will not go around telling what happened to everyone who asks. I will not defend myself to those who weren’t in the meeting and I will not run down the person who is running me down. In short, I refuse to defend myself in a Social Media public manner, or in any manner, but have chosen to allow my integrity to stand by itself.

See you this Sunday

Comments

[danette weddle]

thank you .. this is very good.... I realize many people are hurting and they have a hard time applying al the principle's.
As I do at times too. because of taking things so personal...
I have found that many hurting and wounded people need acceptance and healing... thats where we come as in as
helper and leader... by example.... many people people can not get to successfully using these principles without healing from the past..... do you have use or have any support groups in your church thats help deal with the issues of anger.co dependancy etc? thanks for your time :)

[Rachel]

Conflict resolution and confrontation are heavy, heavy topics, especially when you throw in the media outlets. Great post. Have you heard of Danny Silk? Your post made me think of his "Keys to Confrontation." All of us can benefit from remembering to act through love and with honor, especially when throwing down the gauntlet.

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